Why? Why must my unruly cousins from the most uncouth and noisy part of the family come to stay and visit? WHY??? Is this house NOT CROWDED ENOUGH? With them around, it makes 13 people in the entire house, and 8 people in this bloody room. Not to mention that the idiots WON'T SHUT UP.

God, please stop me from slaughtering them. Ugh.

Ugh, I HATE THIS HOUSE. So many frigging things going on, and so many people cramped into such a small space. WHAT THE FUCK! I'd better keep this short, or i'm just going to get angrier and angrier. Its the same old story, so many people living here, so little space, blahblahblah. It just lit my fuse when people start infringing into my personal space. I'd set up a studying table in the room, and was concentrating when my grandmother suddenly decides that its a great resting place, and she just starts leaning on it! Ugh. Insignificant, but the topping on a bad day.

It started out on a bad note because my mom's having a really bad day, like, REALLY BAD. She's not angry, just really quietly-depressed. And that really scared me. And then my grandmother just starts going off about it, like I DON'T KNOW. DON'T TALK TO ME. Go comfort her! I don't know! BUT DON'T JUST STAND AROUND TALKING ABOUT IT.

Plus, the wireless just stopped working, so it just pisses me off even more.

To me right now, i need to avoid my grandmother like the plague. She just irks the HELL out of me, and i can be guaranteed a night of non-sleep tonight, thanks to her penchant for loud bright TV. I think i'm just going to sleep in the living room tonight. Can't put up with her bullshit anymore.

Edit: My annoying relatives just came out into the living room to intrude on my peace again. Wonderful. And people wonder why i don't spend more time at home. I need to move to my aunt's house. Soon.

Since I just missed the bus home, I shall take the chance to blog about the throughly unpleasant woman I had the misfortune to meet on 67 back to school from KKH.

Allow me to first describe this woman. She was old, around fifty maybe? With horribly brown skin. Bet she dyed her hair black. Probably a spinster. She looks as though she doesn't get any. Horrible pinched look that either says "I'm jealous that everyone can have sex but me." OR "I REALLY NEED TO SHIT. MY BOWELS ARE EXPLODING FROM THE CONSTIPATION." Or perhaps it is both. Oh, and to top it off, she had this HUMONGOUS BLACK MOLE on the left side of her nose. The kind that makes me want to get cosmetic surgery just thinking about it.

She was okay at first, and well, i fell asleep, so i admittedly couldn't really notice anything in the beginning.

Halfway through the bus ride though, i was most rudely awakened by some very sharp and long nails jabbing into my left shoulder. IT WAS DAMN FUCKING PAIN OKAY. It bloody hurt until i actually got off the bus. And who was the culprit? None other than Ms. I-NEED-TO-SHIT. She was actually looking at me as though i had caused her mortal harm. Or as though i was responsible for her (hopefully incurable) constipation, or as though i had stolen her only chance to get some before she died of toxin poisoning from her own shit! Then she raised her hand as if to say "get away from me", or "talk to the hand". I'm guessing it was because i was starting to tilt in her direction while in the throes of my very pleasant dream that she so RUDELY interrupted. I was like "WTF?!" because I am DAMN SURE that i hadn't even touched her, because i would have woken up if i had. Stupid BITCH.

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JABBING ME WITH YOUR HIDEOUSLY LONG AND SHARP YELLOWED NAILS? Who the hell would do that?! At the very most you would push the person away, or shake them awake right? WHO ARE YOU TO JAB ME? FUCK YOU AND THE SHIT STUCK UP YOUR ASS. I would say a pole, but that means that she was getting some when she so obviously wasn't.

This may seem like a very extreme reaction, but I'm grumpy because she 1) woke me up, 2) spoiled my nice languid mood from my gym workout and 3) made me look into her ugly mug. SO. I think I'm justified in posting this to vent. Better than me punching her like I was so tempted to anyway. I think that that might have some detrimental effects on the skin of my knuckles. The look on her face could probably burn though the Ho's thick pockmarked skin.

OMG. Something just occurred to me! She'd be the perfect match for the Ho! They're both single, ugly and desperate. Ugh. I pity their offspring.

This post is born out of pure irritation and indignation. Any references or similarities to any assholes living or dead are purely coincidental.

Really, if you ever get the urge to strike up a conversation again, don't bother. Seriously, i have no idea how you can have any friends if the first thing that came out of your mouth was so hideously offensive. Oh wait, i forgot. You don't HAVE any friends. MY MISTAKE.

It went something like this:

I was talking to melo over Mind Your Body until she had to go off for some reason i can't remember. Then, i was left alone with said person (to be referred to as IT) on my left hand side on the bench. =Insert awkward silence=

I was completely uninterested in talking to IT, because of a previous altercation (see previous posts), and proceeded to pointedly ignore IT. IT naturally couldn't stand the denial of his existence, and proceeded to start a conversation.

"So, ah, (my name), i noticed that you've been very flustered lately."

"Huh? What?" Okay, so i wasn't being very eloquent at the time.

"Flustered, like, you know, flustered." He said this while chewing something. Ew.

At this point in time, i was thinking; how do you know if i'm flustered or not. You see me once a week. Asshole.

So i said "Er... Not really."

And he said this.

"But you know that your grades are quite bad right?" WTF? And he proceeded to continue in the same tangent while i tried not to punch him in the face.

FYI, i got C,D,D,D,E. Not that good, and i know it, but...

WHAT PART OF SOCIAL INTERACTION ALLOWS YOU TO TELL ME THAT MY GRADES ARE BAD? You don't bloody teach me anything, asshole! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? MY MOTHER? GO GET A SEX CHANGE THEN! But then again, if you were my parent, i'd jump off a building. If you wanted to ACT concerned, why don't you ask "how's school been?" instead of "i've noticed that you've been very flustered lately" and "do you think that you're more affected than everyone else?"?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TO IMPLY THAT I DO WORSE THAT EVERYONE ELSE? I can tell you that not even my mother will say what you did, because she KNOWS that i'm not AN IDIOT, like you seem to think i am, and that i KNOW my own grades.

And i can tell you that although i know that my grades are not the best, i am damn happy and proud that i have no 'U's and no 'S'es. UNDERSTAND OR NOT. I don't need you to tell me! And if you want to ACT concerned, at least act as though you'd like to help me improve or something, and not as though you'd like to put me down to inflate your bloated ego, asshole!

You know that advertisement on TV recently to encourage people to become teachers? "You never know what a difference you can make." You've made a difference, alright. I hope you're proud of yourself for making every single one of your students hate you, because GUESS WHAT, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS HATES YOU. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And its not because they associate with us, its because you OFFEND everyone with your "I'm always right" and "Don't make ME look bad" attitude.

SO FUCK OFF. GO BURY YOUR NOSE IN A PILE OF SHIT. I THINK IT'D CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR OPINION THAN I DO.

Its been a pretty long couple of months since school started, and i find that this year may be harder than ever before. I'm busy as hell, what with all the tuition and medical appointments and all the homework and revision that we're expected to finish. I suppose this just means that i can't expect to coast by any longer. I'm going to really have to work to get those As.

Its going to be a really long process, especially considering that i've gotten DDEDD for Blocks 1. I suppose its an encouragement that i didn't fail anything, but seriously, straight Ds, and one E? Even for KI, for god's sake! I don't think that i've ever felt so below-average in my life. Ugh. There were always some grades that could cheer me up, like a B or C. Not this time. Added to the fact that i've just gotten a B for PW, which is really such a loserish thing to do, i'm not exactly feeling my perkiest.

Perhaps its the realisation that my life is really going nowhere. I have no goals, no aspirations, and i'm just coasting along, waiting for that wave to carry me somewhere. I really need to step up if i expect even a shot at that scholarship. You're only ever going to have this one chance, and if you blow it, then its highly unlikely that you'll get a second one. If only i could find the motivation to get off my ass and start doing something about it. Its times like this that i wonder why i'm in this education system. Why bother, when you don't care?

But i suppose i'll have to do something about it. Set a goal, create a dream, TRY doing something. Apathy really is the most terrifying thing. So i suppose... My goal will be those 5 As at 'A's. And getting down to a dress size that's even remotely close to normal. Now i'll just have to do something about it. Start revising NOW, instead of always trying to cram everything into the space of a few days. Go running every night, that sort of thing.

Now, more than ever, i value my privacy. Even if its just in Starbucks, i can be alone with my thoughts and feelings, to just sort myself out, figure out what it is exactly that i'm trying to do.

In the process of typing out this blog entry, i think i've realised something important; i can't keep trying to impress people or try and be something that i'm not. I can't keep doing things to please other people, can't keep lying to keep people happy. I have to be honest with myself, and face my own flaws, my own mistakes, and make up for them. If i didn't do so well this time, i'll just have to try harder and do better next time. But i can't do it for anyone else but myself. Not my parents, not my teachers, not anyone. But myself. I want to do it, and that is why i WILL do it. Its just as my doctor said; she can't do anything to help me, if i don't want to help myself. Only when i have the motivation, can i even begin to accomplish anything.

Okay, so everyone should know about that stupid fiasco that happened yesterday. For those who don't, it was just that i got teary over the fact that A.Ho (henceforth to be known here as The Whore) THOUGHT that i got 4 demerit points for SKIPPING THE FIRE DRILL. I got even more upset because my mom eventually ended up taking his side, "because i broke the rules". Wonderful. I feel so loved.

AND THEN, here comes the ridiculous part, THE DEMERIT POINTS WEREN'T FOR SKIPPING FIRE DRILL, THEY WERE SOMEHOW LEFT OVER FROM LAST YEAR, WHEN I SKIPPED THE SPORTS MEET (speaking of which, i should only get 2 points for skipping sports meet than 4 for truancy - shit you!). So I basically got upset and made myself sick FOR NOTHING. And all of this stemmed from The Whore ASSUMING that those demerits were for the fire drill. "BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T ASSUME. IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT MAKES YOU LOOK BAD." Well guess what, you just made yourself look like a fool and an asshole for making a girl cry in your class FOR NOTHING. Not that we didn't already think that you were an asshole in the first place. Hope you're proud of yourself.

Oh, and don't bother apologising (not that i think that you'll even TRY), because we all know that its only to make yourself look less like an asshole. Still, if you did, i'd at least try to save you face by accepting it. Of course, this is still assuming that you're anything like a decent human being, which is really asking too much, isn't it?

But anyway, that's passed, and i'm no longer upset, though the headache and sore eyes that got out of this were horrible. So let's move on to the thing that REALLY made my day this morning.

My KI proposal got rejected. Wonderful, isn't it? I had 5, 6 drafts and it STILL got rejected because it was "too broad for 3000 words". Oh God. Ugh. Things just keep on coming, don't they? Well, at least this one i have some control over. I am upset about it, but i refuse to get worked up, because that would just be a waste of my time and energy (as evidenced by above situation). I'm going to see Mr. Lim about it tomorrow to see what can be done to salvage this situation. So. Wish me luck.

EDIT: Wow, i was just informed that a total of 16 people out of 37 had their proposals rejected. Even the mighty J.Ang's got rejected. Ouch. Anyway, that sort of makes me feel better (and less inferior), but i know that i still have alot of work to do. Ugh. Wish me luck, because i'll need it.

An hour ago, I was emoing in the bathroom of an extremely cramped house. Now, by some stroke of luck, i'm blogging in an extremely QUIET, PRIVATE room with my own personal TV and desktop. Not that i'm using the desktop, but you get my point.

Why? Because my uncle went overseas for a leisure trip and left my aunt behind cos she needed to work. She doesn't like sleeping alone, so i'm now in her extremely pleasant house with her. :DDDD

Can anyone else sense the love in the room?

This is what life and home should be like. Ugh. For some reason, my detestable and childish cousins were sleeping over at the house until fucking tuesday, with my grand aunt and guess what? They're cramming into the already-tiny-and-cramped master bedroom. So now, minus me, there are SEVEN people living in one room. Wow. Sounds like coolie living man. So cool. must be why they love it so much. Yuck. Oh well, i'll be sleeping and possibly LIVING in this house until they're gone, so hopefully I won't have to see them too often.

Now, if only I could get the TV to work, and connect to the wireless, it'd be perfect. :DDDDD

I was watching Gokusen 3 awhile ago, and the Oedo Sandaime said something that i think is really relevant to us now.

"Teenagers at that age (meaning 17-18) grow as much emotionally and psychologically in one year as adults will in eight."

We, or at least I, had always thought that I was on top of the world, at the prime of my youth, even when I was in primary school. And as i advanced, i would always think of how stupid I used to be for thinking that, for thinking that the world could be so one-dimensional. But now, I would really like to go back to being like that. Once upon a time, the world was so simple. But my world now is fraught with multiple concerns. Be it financial, academic or even familial, it seems that things keep demanding my attention. And it seems like I just can't give them the attention that they desire, that only some of them deserve. Unlike some people, I can't be an overachiever and be able to deal with a million things at once. I'd like to, but my brain wasn't born for it. Or rather, I'd like to have a little "me" time. Time where I can just be alone with my thoughts and emotions, without the extra baggage that real life likes to dump onto people.

Am I a bad person because I happen to hate living in my house? That I'd do anything to get out? That I think the people who matter the most don't care? As I type this, I'm sitting in the shared bathroom with my macbook on my lap. Outside the door lie people who I couldn't care less about, and people who mean the world to me. Am I a bad person because I hate my relatives? Or that I select who to love and hate?

The Asian familial system says to respect and love all elders and to accommodate all stupid little children, and people with minds smaller than that of stupid little children. Or at least, mine does. The Asian family also believes in togetherness and gigantic extended families. Or at least, mine does. Asians breed like RABBITS. Or at least, mine does. Asian families like to squeeze together in little cramped quarters and give you no room to even pee. Or at least, mine does. The Asian family is practical. Don't study something if you don't have a goal career in mind. Don't study something that has no practical purpose. Don't study something that won't lead to a white-collar job that pays you ten thousand dollars a month. Put in 500 percent effort to get into a course that is otherwise far out of your reach and interest areas but will forseeably lead to that high paying job that I, I mean, you've always wanted. It doesn't matter if you hate your job. I hate mine too, but I do it anyway. Happiness, after all, lies in making enough money to support jobless uncles and gambling grandmothers, owning the 5 Cs and making more money than your parents did. All you Asians out there, does your family do that too?

So maybe I'm being a little critical. I like money too. I like to spend it, at least. I do think that a part of my happiness will come from having a well-paying job that enables me to have all the comforts life can afford. I also happen to think that a LARGE part of my happiness will be living the way I want to, without people trying to interfere. I want people to trust me enough to think that I am able to make my own decisions, and not try to make them for me. I want to make my own mistakes, to cry at my losses and laugh at my gains. I want to see the world. I want to do it all - away from here. Away from the place where my only privacy is in the comfort of a dingy little toilet. Am I being a bad person for wanting that?

My dad says that I have no passion, no drive to do anything. I might as well do what he wants me to do. Make money. After all, whatever other choice I make won't be as good as the one he makes for me. Of course, I can do what I want - as long as its the same as what he wants. Wow, its really encouraging to hear that dad. Please say it more often. I'd love to be more confident about myself, cry a little more, hide a little more, die a little more inside. It invigorates me to think that I can't do anything. Thanks dad.

I do believe that my mascara's running.

The End.

Things are never as peaceful as when my grand mother's not around.

Gee, I wonder why i can't study at home. Oh, i know! Maybe its because there's a TV in every room, and they're ON ALL THE FUCKING TIME, AND THEY'RE DAMN FUCKING LOUD. Oh, wait. No, that can't be it. Oh, maybe because its SO CROWDED and I DON'T HAVE MY OWN ROOM or even A FUCKING STUDY SPACE? Or maybe its because all my notes are boxed away in some obscure corner BECAUSE THERE'S NO SPACE TO KEEP THEM IN MY NONEXISTENT ROOM? No, it absolutely can't be the case, Because My House Is Such A Good Place To Study.